A Fresh Choice

I am back to SB with great enthusiasm... and equal luggage.
(glee)

I have got rid of my maudlin and pondering and lost self... and I am bubbly and cheerful again.

I stare at the sky and the sillhouette of the Santa Ynex apartments and I see the trees swaying and I hear students gearing up for their first lectures and I re-unite with my lovely room-mates (family) and I giggle with the girls (after cracking a perfetly girly joke) and I flirt with a few interesting people and I stare longlingly at my power bars and lemonade (my loyal staple diet)... I almost feel at home.

There is a cold war about the temperature of the thermostat.
Now I feel completely at home :-)

I spent the whole day "arranging" my room... with the shameful amount of luggage I got, I was almost hoping that no one would see it. (Sometimes, ma ka pyaar does you in).

But I enjoyed arranging all the shopped goodies (especially when I was surprised with the stuff I had bought and forgotten about). NOw my room is well-equipped... However, because of more objects in the room, there is a greater probablity of it getting messed up.
But what the hell! (one life, one chance... glee.. I know it doesnt fit, but I like it anyway).

Prerna made a discerning comment - "why didnt you get a cup-board along with all this?".
I went red in the cheeks...
:-)

The winter quarter has begun... Actually, jump-started - with an interesting dinner. I have found a thorougly interesting friend. Someone whom I can call an alter-ego. There are such striking similarities (sometimes) that it amazes me.

I slept at 4 am. (a perfect start for the first day)

And got up at 9... I wore my new "house slippers" (although there was no real need for it... I liked the luxury). I took a great deal of time and effort to get ready as I was new to the new equipment - new body wash, new towel, new body lotion, new clothes, new shoes... and seeing myself in a new light (thats beause I bought a new lamp) (haha).
And I thought I was modestly following the principle of aparigraha.
DAM!

But as I said before, I am repeating myself - I like it that way ;-)

My first class was "piano". I didnt realize that it was advanced piano. The prof was surprised when I told him that I could not comprehend notes. He suggested that I should learn that first.
He also said that since I am a grad student, I shall be good at self-learning. (haha).

And then I went to the library... all my search was in vain. I couldnt catch hold of the book i was looking for... never mond, this is not important enough.

And I went to the bus-stop, to reunite with one my most precious possessions - my 'elite' bike.
I saw it, and fell in love again.
Although I was hoping to see its steel glistening in the sun, all I saw was a suspension of dust particles (acumulated on all its parts) glistening through the sunlight.
But it was a heart-felt moment. I unlocked the u-lock and mounted on it. I felt on top of the world. (Perhaps, I should nick-name my bike - "world"... haha again).

I biked to the class... Met mr.neighbour after a long time... Had a short, interstingly teasing conversation with him.

And then I came back home.

And then started reading the book -"how computers work".
ALl this while, I was ashamed of having to need to read this book. (I need to know this by now... I realllly ought to know this by now... but the fact is that I dont. And instead of hiding this from "others" and feeling ashamed, I decided to write it in a public place... So no closet to hide in anymore...)

Anyway, the 4 room-mates have realized that each one is increaingly expanding the girth. So we are going to go to the gymn together (I hope that the planning shall turn into execution).

I also got a call from my fav "orkut friend". Was fun to have a "first conversation".

And I went running (or jogging) as I had decided to.

YAY! today has been a good day (except for a few deliberatly missed calls).

And there is a gujurati (or hindu belief) - "Whatever happens on the first day generally carries on till the end of the period" ie if one gets up late on 1st Jan on gets up late everyday of the year... If this belief is anything to go by, this quarter seems promising.

And to top it all, the real entertainer has not yet returned.
So, the quarter sure holds a lot of promise.

Comparing Infinities... in a way

As I left my home (Santa Barbara) on 19Dec, I didnt feel so nice about it. I wanted to sta here longer. I wanted to spend my vacation here - lazying around, walking on the beach, window-shopping in downtown, trying out new restaurants, and in general doing all that I couldnt do during the quarter.

And all the while in the trip I was longing to get back.

Today I got back. On our way here, I was thoroughly eager to get here.

After spending a fun day with (a much-impressed) Ma n Kai we got home.

Then they left.

We hugged. I couldnt let go of ma. She couldnt let go of me.
I waved her a final good bye in the car.

I walked up the stairs. It was quiet. As quiet as it could get.
However, the mind was restless.

I began wondering why. I realized that it was going to be the same life as last quarter.

I actually began questioning hte difference in the "quality of life" in the last few days with family, and my life as a single student in SB.
And my answer was the "emotional involvement".

When I am here, I have my independence. And that is in such a large magnitude and in such diversified spectra that its almost incomprehensible. Or unpalatable.
I choose what I eat, what I wear, what time I get up, when I go out, where I go out, with whom I go out... well, this is not much though. Its not WHAT i eat, but whether I eat (no one asks me whether I have had food). Its not just that I can choose where to go, but that no one even cares!
It is not just plain indepenence. Its a sort of indifference from others. Well, there are no others. There is no family.
Well, I dont know the point.

All I know is that when I walked up the stairs alone in that darkness, there was a sudden pit in the stomach and then a sinking feeling of loneliness.
NO one is going to ask me anything anymore... atleast not the small details (that really matter). There will be generic "how's life"s, but no-one will tell me that I havent had a fruit/salad in the whole day and that I ought to have one.

No one can hurt me, shout at me, fight with me, argue cats and dogs (if theres such a frase)...
No one can affect me emotionally (that much atleast).

But in the last few days, I would have petty fights with ma, get upset with her, get angry with her, was unable to see her point of view, shared good-ol' laughs with her n Kai.
N now, that shall not happen for a llong time.

Ok, I shall stop before my writing weakens me further.
This is not a good post (for several reasons).


The smiles say it all...

Happenings of late...

Currntly in an overwelmed state... There's a lot of stuff to be done... The "to-do" list is growing at an alarmingly fast rate... (with the first item in the list being formally making the list!)

I am debating whether to update a travelogue on the blog. (Overdoing something can ruin the fun of it... Abstraction is difficult to achieve, esp when writing a traelogue... One starts with great enthu and tries to encompass all the details that one thinks are important... and then one tries to make it sound interesting and humorous, if one is ambitious... and then after belaboring for a long time, generally 2-3 hours, one realzes that one has covered only one day out of the 10 day trip... One is tired and doesnt want to write anymore... But one cant let all that effort go in waste, so one writes about the reaining 9 days in 2 short paragraphs... and then one knows that it has not turned out well, and deletes everything... or, again if one is ambitious, one will resolve to complete writing about the trip 'later'.. and the later does not arrive... and then, one is gloomy all the time and roams around the house with a dejected look, and starts wondering whether the trio was any good in the first place... and woders why is one so meek-willed... and then ponders over other activities that one is not good at... and all this takes a cascading toll on one's opinion of oneself...)
So, probably, i should refrain ;-)

Some pointers though,

I love reading sayings on the walls and humorous cards and placards at the magic shop... They make my day and I muse over them for so long... (however, I forget the exact words very quickly... and later when I try to inject humor in a conversation by using these one-liners, I fail miserably in my objective... much to my chagrin!)

I love Oscar Wilde. His wit drives me crazy.

I love skiing in Lake Tahoe. I feel free and liberated from my fears.

I love desserts (have never been able to get over my love for them). Especially the brownies and the chocolate muffins and cinnamon breaads.

I love the heater in Kai's house. Very few things are comparable to the warmth it exudes (there ARE things that may not be as warm, but are much more cosy) ;-)

I hate trying on new clothes at the stores (they make me aware of my girth and start a downward mood spiral.. and also, i have to re-hang them on the hangers).

I hate the static current that gets stored in my body... I get shocks whenever i open the door or touch Kai!

I loved Pyar Ke Side Effects (the movie... not the real life conundrum of the actual side effects)...I also loved Woh Lamhe... I think I will love anything Indian esp if it reminds me of G7 and R-mall.

I lov getting calls from India (although there havent been to many) (is everyone listening?)

I love Google Maps.

I love ma ke hath ka khaana (even if it saturated with fat).

I am petrified of driving in the US... THe speed is seriously daunting.. I noetheless tried it... And the left-hand drive drove me nuts... Whenever I went ahead to chane the gear, I almost moved my hand out of the window

I hate having to get up in the morning from my really cosy comforter (blanket, for the uninitiated).

But I love getting awoken by a call from the special someone(s)
;-)

Life is Beautiful... Yet again!

Today holds a lot of promise.
It started well... well, actually, last night ended well.

We went over to the "musical" house. And sang songs.
Guitar does have magic in it... and so does the guitarist.
It feels ecstatic to hear a tune being played flawlessly on it.
Without music there would be so much of emptiness.
We sang the old numbers and the not-so-old ones... we even sang 'patli kamar chikna badan' :-)
Truly satisfying...
Had 'group fun' after a long time... Love the girls...
(I still cant get over the fact that I have so many girl-friends).

Came back home. Danced under the yellow bulb, while looking at my reflection on the glass pane.
Dancing and singing give a joy that few other activities can give.
'Badi mushkil baba badi mushkil' was the number last night. Madhuri is inspiring.
And god bless Youtube!

Then had the talks. About comparing infinities, the robot problems.
When you are with someone whose knowledge base is a superset of your knowledge base, it can get overwhelming. First of all, there is no room for 'bluffing'. Secondly, you crave to know more (and silently are in awe). This is not necessarily good.
But history is repeating, as a good friend pointed out. Perhaps, I am getting over-swayed.
And as is my wont, once I have extracted all the juice from the fruit, and there is nothing more to gain, I shall cease to care for it. The challenge for the fruit is to continue producing enough juice to sustain my interest for long.

Anyway, got up at 12.15 pm. It was one of those sleeps in which one doesnt know whether one was actually asleep or not. But I was relaxed.
I got up and cooked. :-)
And all the while when the pulses were on the stow, others in the house were coughing and sneezing.
Not a good sign. I was somewhat embarrassed.

The food turned out to be fairly edible. And that was a welcome relief (and change).
Had one of those long conversations with Prerna. I love those conversations.

And then stepped out of the house in shorts (coz they are super-comfortable).
And I just stood there staring.
The weather was pleasant. The fall colors were teasing the trees. The golded hue was defiant in its outburst. The sky was blue... NO shades of other colours... no tinges either. Just a plain blue - reflecting a mood of surety. It did not need other colors to look beautiful.
And then there were the man-made houses. They seemed to blend in well. NO tall sky-scrapers out to challenge nature or symbolize man's achievement and power... Just small wooden houses, happy in themselves... Happy to be juxtaposed with beauty.
There was a strong breeze. Not strong enough to freeze, but strong enough to titillate the skin.

I stood there appreciating all this. Could not move. Wanted to find a vantage point and stare at this for long, without disturbing it.
Wanted to throw away my bag, and the back-of-the-mind anxieties about the projects due next week... Wanted to Run! Just run without a care in the world. And sing. And dance.
And laugh at it all.

It was a moment in which you fall in love with everything, and most importantly, yourself. And you forget all miseries and forgive all sinners. And there is only you in the world. You against "God".
Or you with God!
In that moment you feel just as powerful as Him. You, with your untapped potential and abundant opportunities to explore, have the power to do anything.
That one moment fills you with a joy so deep that and a thrill so strong that its orgasmic.

I felt a sense of belonging. Santa Barbara was beautiful all this while as well. But it was in that moment that I felt the sense of belonging to this paradise.
I biked down to college humming tunes. It seemed like a scene out of a movie.. or a novel whose story I wouldnt remember, but recollect the feeling.
I smiled at a passerby. He smiled back. I almost connected. I wanted to ask "isnt it a beautiful day?".
But I dont yet belong SO much here. May be a couple of more such moments will do the trick.

A new dream has been appended in the dream list. After a long time...
:-)

Realization #1

Don't try to fit it.
Don't try to stand out.

Just be.

Cause for today's heartbreak :-

"Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice teller machine. XXX-XXX-XXXX is currently not available. To page this person, press 5 now. Beep"

Craving for Gyan

And again there's the age-old, well-known, curiously pestering choice to be made between:-
what I ought to do and what I want to do...
And again, I am in a dillema...

And again, there is light!
Escapism combined with fatalism works fine... at least most of the times.

Convenience is the key. Shouldn't it be?

I search for 'algorithm for particle rendering', 'algorithm for reliable broadcast', 'algorithm for Spring Motion simulation' on Google. I get a couple of thousand results.

I search for 'algortihm for living conflictlessly' - No results.