Wednesday, January 31, 2007

An unadulterated High

I saw a face.

There was a boyish charm. There was a naughty grin. There were intense eyes. There were unruly hair.
All this interspersed... with captivating wit and a focussed action.

Pure beauty has the power to move.

I was moved.

I was captivated. The eyes refused to look away (even after a lot of coaxing and eventual blackmailing).

I was mesmerized... and enjoying every moment of it.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Faced Poker

I played poker.
It was at a friends house.
And since 'the house always wins', I didnt win!
(that's a stolen joke).

There were 10 of us. I tried hard to make a poker face. Invariably failed at it.
Perhaps that helped me win in the next round. I could feel my heart-rate accelerating when I held good cards.

Liked the guys with whom I played. It is getting easier to make firang friends now. Experience. Confidence. Knowledge. Or a little of all that.

I want to fit in. I want to be able to crack the jokes they crack. They are sooo funny.

There was an entrepreneurship meeting today. The group liked my idea (Sherlock). It will. most likely, be tested for feasibility. I felt a sense of achievement. (already).

I talked to many members of Kailas today. Got somewhat homesick. Got over it. Sinusoids have crests as well as troughs. And the transtion from the trought to the crest was easy, due to someone's presence. In the presence, I feel relaxed. I feel alive. I feel excited. I feel comfortable. (Sometimes, I also feel HIM) ;-)
Totally bad joke... the operational word being 'joke'.

Now I shall get back to my companions of this quarter - one mister Aho and the other mister Ullman.

The poker host!

Friday, January 26, 2007

Happy in my skin

I have stopped sleeping. I have stopped 'pondering'.
Days are not even a function of time anymore. Nights - YOU fill up my senses.

I am enjoying all the courses, especially Automata Theory and Entrepreneurship.
Entrepreneurship has inspired me to carry out that one small and strong dream I had in Bombay.
Automata Theory forces me to think rationally and analytically. It empowers me.

A resume has been built with someone's help. In fact, it was entirely outsourced. It has been somewhat modified.
An internship is desirable (ideally in NYC).

Shaking of the leg is going on in Salsa. It is easy and fun. Like the grooving part. I admire the guys there who dont know how to dance that well, but are willing to try. ('Have feet, will dance').

Psychology has, as always, been an eye-opener.

Girls of the house are enjoying. Getting friendlier. Sharing secrets and opinions. Passing judgements together. Advising and helping and 'being there' for each other.

Right now trying to get the assignment done. I like the good old Turo C. It had such a cooool interface, and such easy to use features.
Without it, one needs help.
The good news is - 'help is always around the corner' (literally!).

Saturday, January 20, 2007


There are some things that one stops noticing after a sufficient amount of exposure to them.

There are some things that retain their 'interest' value no matter how often you see/feel them.

Swimming back-stroke and then floating like a log staring at the sky will never stop being interesting. While doing that today, I saw a clear sky with one lone cloud. A bird flew across. The sun was preparing to set. It was sending its last few rays as a farewell sign - those slanting rays that make photographs looks beautiful. I wondered - why did the bird fly? Was it one of the random events? OR did the bird have any motive? Or my be the bird had a motive - locally. But globally, if one were to capture the position of all the birds and the irection in which they were flying.. would that be random? that would surely be random. Well... just thinking.... Is there a difference between the birds and us.. in terms of randomness of motives?

I stand at the balcony appreciating the scene. I have formed a special relationship with the tree that stands upright right out side my balcony. It reflects my mood. It talks to me. It gives me the answers to my unanswerable questions.

I look at it. It is composed of around 50 branches. The tallest branch gives it its height. The 'spreadiest' branch gives the tree its 'spread'. The other branches give it its characeristic. It can be argued that the tallest branch has contributed more to make the tree beautiful. Or that, the tallest branch is more successful. But by what standards? If success was measured by height...
But the short branches look just as good. And more imporantly, they are happy to be themselves. They aren't competing. They are co-existing. Happily co-existing. Thats probably because they do not have standards to measure and evaluate 'success'.

Well, the analogy doesnt come out right when I write about it. But I feel it.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Next Venture Idea : Blog Post Interesting-title Generator!

My fingers are itching to write and mind is trying to catch up by scanning all possible interesting things I can write (and more importantly, NOT write about).

A lot of 'new' events have occured of late.
  • Roomies (Erica, Juan and I) planned to go 'partying' before the quarter could get the better of us. We 'dress up' (with Erica looking hot in a sexy spagetti and Juan and I, typical Asian girls, dressed in full-sleeve polo neck t-shirts and 2 layers of sweaters and sport-shoes!) One cant be too careful these days with the temperature.... Anyway, we reach the bus-stop at Embaracadero hall where 'Joe's bus' (or whoever it belongs to) leaves. There we see a bevy of beauties and a huge bunch of guys putting on their 'cool' and hunky-dory look. We feel out of place with our excessive clothing and 'maturity' and all... And as soon as the bus arrives all hell breaks lose. We are caught unawares as the party-junta rush in a way that would put the Bombay crowd in the locals to shame! Its a huge uproar and people start waving out 10 buck notes to the conductor who is showered it money. There is a shoe lying somewhere (soem poor 'sole' would surely miss it...) and there are other unmentionable things thrown around. We somehow manage to loudly 'excuse me' our way into the bus (past the stoned and the totally drunk guys... and their female counterparts). We stand amidst the crowd, not knowing what to do. The lights go off and there is another uproar of approval as the bus makes an unsuspecting turn on 101S at break-neck (literally). The people are going berserk and radio is being played. We are about to lose our heads to this unbearable din. There's a guy next to us who wants to throw up and is banging the windows (sometimes with his hands, other times with his head... and hoping for the stubborn wiondow to listen to him). Girls behind him are busy callling him a 'loser'. We thankfully reach sane! And do our 'bad deed of the day' by cutting the queue at the club. We go in. Order drinks. (Rum and coke is arghhhhhhh). Erica is with other freinds. Juan and I are left to ourselves... And the other guys take it on them to not allow us to dance alone. We try hard to 'enjoy' without gettting drunk or hooked. Difficult. We have another drink (This time vodka does the trick), Now we are liking it. We are shaking our hips and grooving to the tunes of 'Shakira Shakira'. There are african-americans who really know how to move their body, goras dancing a robot-dance, asians with the beckham hairdo moving around in clusters... and other creatures. Posting more details is detrimental to a peaceful stay in Santa Barbara. One shall wisely refrain. It was fun biking back totally drunk! (what extends mankind can go, to empty the bladders ;-)
  • Have taken interesting coures. 'Cognitive Psych' keeps my mood upbeat. cs220 is intresting in that I am trying to apply cognitive psych to it. The undergrad 130b course is getting 'boring'. Imaging is interesting (coz he's stil talking about physics). Entrepreneurship (I'll never gt the spelling right) is a lot of fun. And seems promising.
  • Also joined Salsa dancing. Loved it! The instructor totally defies that Newton's law about inertia.
  • Attempted making a new friend. Was rahter keen ontalking to him. However, his friends got into the way. And he let them :-(
  • Got very very interesting gifts. (no place like Totally geeky. Also other more 'senti' gifts. One is pleased. Not just because the gifts arrived, but the gift-giver arrived.
  • Danced with the girls and ate gaajar ka halwa on sankranti.
  • Had a thoroughly interesting conversation with the neighbour at a more interesting time (and a still more interesting state). One looks forward to such conversations that light up the LED of one's mind.
  • One is trying to contain one's fat content by biking up and dpwn arbit lanes. Thats not helping because one is also hogging Parle-G (courtesy ma-ka-pyaar).
  • One feels happy again. (Wonder when the process stopped, if at all). But, the point is one is bus smiling. One likes to do things one's way. And its working. There is sunshine after rain (Knopfler knows it all).
  • One also likes to add bullets. One is still not adept at it though. Whenever one presses the enter key, it goes to the next line, but doesnt leave a line in between. One likes a clean and clear lay out... and well-spaced and all.. So one presses enter twice, gets out of the bullet loop and then again clicks on the option of inserting a bullet.
    Enlightening ha?
  • One sometimes doesnt like being a female. Too many issues - cant bike down without getting bothered by hair flying into the face, cant sleep comfortably facing the bed (physically challenging), cant stop thinking about the conditioner that would go well with the shampoo, cant work with saliva - need fancy 'lip balms', cant organize all the clothes into the wardrobe coz they dont fit in, cant decide whether a blue comfortor would match or a pink would look better on the bed, cant go swimming on all days (dam!).
  • Sometimes like being a female. Can get away with ALOT of nautanki and nakhra.
With all due respect to Asians, they look really really funny when they are drunk coz their eyes shrink further and you cant make out whether they are sleep-dancing or high or in trance. This cannot be enjoyed or understood until one sees a totally drunk Asian.

One still wants to write more.

One shall continue to write... just switch from the blog to the ASS-ignment!

Monday, January 08, 2007

A Fresh Choice

I am back to SB with great enthusiasm... and equal luggage.

I have got rid of my maudlin and pondering and lost self... and I am bubbly and cheerful again.

I stare at the sky and the sillhouette of the Santa Ynex apartments and I see the trees swaying and I hear students gearing up for their first lectures and I re-unite with my lovely room-mates (family) and I giggle with the girls (after cracking a perfetly girly joke) and I flirt with a few interesting people and I stare longlingly at my power bars and lemonade (my loyal staple diet)... I almost feel at home.

There is a cold war about the temperature of the thermostat.
Now I feel completely at home :-)

I spent the whole day "arranging" my room... with the shameful amount of luggage I got, I was almost hoping that no one would see it. (Sometimes, ma ka pyaar does you in).

But I enjoyed arranging all the shopped goodies (especially when I was surprised with the stuff I had bought and forgotten about). NOw my room is well-equipped... However, because of more objects in the room, there is a greater probablity of it getting messed up.
But what the hell! (one life, one chance... glee.. I know it doesnt fit, but I like it anyway).

Prerna made a discerning comment - "why didnt you get a cup-board along with all this?".
I went red in the cheeks...

The winter quarter has begun... Actually, jump-started - with an interesting dinner. I have found a thorougly interesting friend. Someone whom I can call an alter-ego. There are such striking similarities (sometimes) that it amazes me.

I slept at 4 am. (a perfect start for the first day)

And got up at 9... I wore my new "house slippers" (although there was no real need for it... I liked the luxury). I took a great deal of time and effort to get ready as I was new to the new equipment - new body wash, new towel, new body lotion, new clothes, new shoes... and seeing myself in a new light (thats beause I bought a new lamp) (haha).
And I thought I was modestly following the principle of aparigraha.

But as I said before, I am repeating myself - I like it that way ;-)

My first class was "piano". I didnt realize that it was advanced piano. The prof was surprised when I told him that I could not comprehend notes. He suggested that I should learn that first.
He also said that since I am a grad student, I shall be good at self-learning. (haha).

And then I went to the library... all my search was in vain. I couldnt catch hold of the book i was looking for... never mond, this is not important enough.

And I went to the bus-stop, to reunite with one my most precious possessions - my 'elite' bike.
I saw it, and fell in love again.
Although I was hoping to see its steel glistening in the sun, all I saw was a suspension of dust particles (acumulated on all its parts) glistening through the sunlight.
But it was a heart-felt moment. I unlocked the u-lock and mounted on it. I felt on top of the world. (Perhaps, I should nick-name my bike - "world"... haha again).

I biked to the class... Met mr.neighbour after a long time... Had a short, interstingly teasing conversation with him.

And then I came back home.

And then started reading the book -"how computers work".
ALl this while, I was ashamed of having to need to read this book. (I need to know this by now... I realllly ought to know this by now... but the fact is that I dont. And instead of hiding this from "others" and feeling ashamed, I decided to write it in a public place... So no closet to hide in anymore...)

Anyway, the 4 room-mates have realized that each one is increaingly expanding the girth. So we are going to go to the gymn together (I hope that the planning shall turn into execution).

I also got a call from my fav "orkut friend". Was fun to have a "first conversation".

And I went running (or jogging) as I had decided to.

YAY! today has been a good day (except for a few deliberatly missed calls).

And there is a gujurati (or hindu belief) - "Whatever happens on the first day generally carries on till the end of the period" ie if one gets up late on 1st Jan on gets up late everyday of the year... If this belief is anything to go by, this quarter seems promising.

And to top it all, the real entertainer has not yet returned.
So, the quarter sure holds a lot of promise.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Comparing Infinities... in a way

As I left my home (Santa Barbara) on 19Dec, I didnt feel so nice about it. I wanted to sta here longer. I wanted to spend my vacation here - lazying around, walking on the beach, window-shopping in downtown, trying out new restaurants, and in general doing all that I couldnt do during the quarter.

And all the while in the trip I was longing to get back.

Today I got back. On our way here, I was thoroughly eager to get here.

After spending a fun day with (a much-impressed) Ma n Kai we got home.

Then they left.

We hugged. I couldnt let go of ma. She couldnt let go of me.
I waved her a final good bye in the car.

I walked up the stairs. It was quiet. As quiet as it could get.
However, the mind was restless.

I began wondering why. I realized that it was going to be the same life as last quarter.

I actually began questioning hte difference in the "quality of life" in the last few days with family, and my life as a single student in SB.
And my answer was the "emotional involvement".

When I am here, I have my independence. And that is in such a large magnitude and in such diversified spectra that its almost incomprehensible. Or unpalatable.
I choose what I eat, what I wear, what time I get up, when I go out, where I go out, with whom I go out... well, this is not much though. Its not WHAT i eat, but whether I eat (no one asks me whether I have had food). Its not just that I can choose where to go, but that no one even cares!
It is not just plain indepenence. Its a sort of indifference from others. Well, there are no others. There is no family.
Well, I dont know the point.

All I know is that when I walked up the stairs alone in that darkness, there was a sudden pit in the stomach and then a sinking feeling of loneliness.
NO one is going to ask me anything anymore... atleast not the small details (that really matter). There will be generic "how's life"s, but no-one will tell me that I havent had a fruit/salad in the whole day and that I ought to have one.

No one can hurt me, shout at me, fight with me, argue cats and dogs (if theres such a frase)...
No one can affect me emotionally (that much atleast).

But in the last few days, I would have petty fights with ma, get upset with her, get angry with her, was unable to see her point of view, shared good-ol' laughs with her n Kai.
N now, that shall not happen for a llong time.

Ok, I shall stop before my writing weakens me further.
This is not a good post (for several reasons).

The smiles say it all...

Friday, January 05, 2007

Happenings of late...

Currntly in an overwelmed state... There's a lot of stuff to be done... The "to-do" list is growing at an alarmingly fast rate... (with the first item in the list being formally making the list!)

I am debating whether to update a travelogue on the blog. (Overdoing something can ruin the fun of it... Abstraction is difficult to achieve, esp when writing a traelogue... One starts with great enthu and tries to encompass all the details that one thinks are important... and then one tries to make it sound interesting and humorous, if one is ambitious... and then after belaboring for a long time, generally 2-3 hours, one realzes that one has covered only one day out of the 10 day trip... One is tired and doesnt want to write anymore... But one cant let all that effort go in waste, so one writes about the reaining 9 days in 2 short paragraphs... and then one knows that it has not turned out well, and deletes everything... or, again if one is ambitious, one will resolve to complete writing about the trip 'later'.. and the later does not arrive... and then, one is gloomy all the time and roams around the house with a dejected look, and starts wondering whether the trio was any good in the first place... and woders why is one so meek-willed... and then ponders over other activities that one is not good at... and all this takes a cascading toll on one's opinion of oneself...)
So, probably, i should refrain ;-)

Some pointers though,

I love reading sayings on the walls and humorous cards and placards at the magic shop... They make my day and I muse over them for so long... (however, I forget the exact words very quickly... and later when I try to inject humor in a conversation by using these one-liners, I fail miserably in my objective... much to my chagrin!)

I love Oscar Wilde. His wit drives me crazy.

I love skiing in Lake Tahoe. I feel free and liberated from my fears.

I love desserts (have never been able to get over my love for them). Especially the brownies and the chocolate muffins and cinnamon breaads.

I love the heater in Kai's house. Very few things are comparable to the warmth it exudes (there ARE things that may not be as warm, but are much more cosy) ;-)

I hate trying on new clothes at the stores (they make me aware of my girth and start a downward mood spiral.. and also, i have to re-hang them on the hangers).

I hate the static current that gets stored in my body... I get shocks whenever i open the door or touch Kai!

I loved Pyar Ke Side Effects (the movie... not the real life conundrum of the actual side effects)...I also loved Woh Lamhe... I think I will love anything Indian esp if it reminds me of G7 and R-mall.

I lov getting calls from India (although there havent been to many) (is everyone listening?)

I love Google Maps.

I love ma ke hath ka khaana (even if it saturated with fat).

I am petrified of driving in the US... THe speed is seriously daunting.. I noetheless tried it... And the left-hand drive drove me nuts... Whenever I went ahead to chane the gear, I almost moved my hand out of the window

I hate having to get up in the morning from my really cosy comforter (blanket, for the uninitiated).

But I love getting awoken by a call from the special someone(s)