Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Be Here Now

There are challenges in meditation. The waves of stories and ego-trips come with an unprecedented force in the meditation sessions. 
Here's a stream of consciousness, right after a session.

Oh you naughty wave!

Your flow is unknown
And your direction is suspect
Just when there is calm
A small ripple emerges
And before I know it
It engulfs me in its force

But you are also the resting place
The normal
The comfort food that keeps me rooted
Yet you are what I am battling
You are the enemy of my narrative
You are to be conquered
You are to be avoided
You are everything thats wrong for me
You are everything that feels right to me

Can I not indulge in you?
Can I not let you lose on the sea of my mind
Can I live in your kingdom
where I ride you again and again?

Why do I have to give up on the joys of the surf?
Why do I have to let you go
Simply observe but not indulge?
It's so hard - this battle with the ego
This struggle to not lose myself in your magical motions

I keep trying to let you pass
Without giving you your erstwhile importance
But there are moments of weakness
When I embrace your comfort with open arms
Like a guilty child finishing off the remnants of a precious chocolate

I know that other, deeper, bigger joys lie
In the calm of this moment
In the vastness of this very kshan
I am trying to Be Here Now

But you are the seductress, oh you naughty wave of daydreams!
You lead me to places of such pleasures, low they may be
Like eating sugar or using a vibrator
I know I must move on
I know I must NOT give in to your temptations

But I must write about your tentacles that grasp me
At the fag end of the day
When my will power has depleted
with a force so strong I am helpless and at your mercy
And I lose myself to the dance of the ego
Where I am the queen, loved and desired,
Where chance encounters with strange men make me weak in the knees
Where they touch me in ways that tantalise every pore of my being
and take me to the low earthly heaven

I must admit though, these ego trips have lost their glory
I enjoy them like one watches a watched movie
There's no thrill of the unknown
But the joy of a known storyline
Sometimes it lives up, but most of the times I'd rather not have watched it.

Oh you naughty waves,
Let's see how long you seduce me
Before I find a deeper satiation in being in the now.